My grandfather retired from the piano company at age 73, but within months he’d started a new job selling cars. My mother said that Gramma made him go back to work. “She married him,” Mom explained, “for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
It’s a cute story, and the sympathy cards I received when my husband retired were cute too. They acknowledge the truth that spending almost every waking moment together presents challenges to even the happiest marriages.
In every marriage (except mine), spouses have annoying habits that retirement can amplify. The untidy husband has eight more hours to strew his belongings every, and his talkative wife can fill those extra hours with extra commentary. My mother once said that she never contemplated divorce, but she did occasionally consider murder.
Few of us born before 1950 commit the flashy sins anymore. We can’t outrun the police, and just thinking about an affair makes us tired. We’re not too old, though, for mental sins. Indeed, some of us are champs at resentment and bitterness. Mention the time he/she forgot to pick us up from the airport, and we’re angry all over again. Given the chance, we’ll fill you in on decades’ worth of spousal shortcomings.
They are real shortcomings. We’re married to human beings, and human beings mess up on a regular basis. But, if we’re honest, we’ll admit that we need to receive forgiveness at least as often we give it.
Every stage of life presents its own particular temptations and spiritual struggles. As I approach my 70th birthday, I see that one of my primary assignments is forgiveness. I need to let the past be past. There’s no profit or pleasure in revisiting old wounds, and it’s too easy to get stuck looking backwards. It’s also too easy to worry about getting wounded again.
Of course, it’s not just the past that makes us nuts. It’s the maddening things our spouses did just this week because they’re getting old. It takes them longer to do what we ask, and half the time they didn’t hear us or forgot all about it. Their motor skills have also diminished, which makes tasks like driving and climbing ladders scary to do — and to watch.
Fear, in fact, lies behind most of our irritation. We worry that momentary forgetfulness signals the beginning of Alzheimer’s. Clumsiness might be Parkinson’s or a stroke. Driving our annoyance are serious questions. Are we up to caring for a disabled spouse? Could our spouse care for us? Will they come to resent us? What illness or accident will take our life, and how much will it hurt?
Then there are the spiritual fears. Is there really a loving God, or is religion just wishful thinking? God hasn’t removed all the suffering in our life. So can we count on his help at the end? Are Heaven and Hell real? How will be we judged? Does God remember all our sins? We do, and they’re painful to recall. In too many cases, it’s too late to apologize or atone.
It’s never too late, though, to become more patient and kind. God gives us a wonderful opportunity in the person we married. That grumpy old man or cranky old lady needs love and understanding. We’re the best ones to supply that compassion, because we know them best.
So, we listen to the familiar stories, pick up the socks and ignore the dinged fender. We bite our tongue and pray for grace. And we rejoice that we’re not making this leg of the journey alone.
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo, HI 96720, or e-mail: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
