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Parish bereavement ministries bring practical and long-term help for those disabled by grief
By Jennifer Rector
Hawaii Catholic Herald
When a loved one dies there are questions you are forced to face even if you may not be in the right mind to answer them. Where is your loved one going to be buried? Will there be a rosary? How do you make arrangements for a funeral Mass? Do you need to provide food after the service? Do you want music for the funeral? How will you get through it all?
Certainly, these are manageable questions. But when you are in the depths of grief, there is only so much you can handle. Fortunately, there are people dedicated to accompany you through some of the worst moments of your lives.
Regina Suyderhoud of Holy Trinity Church in Honolulu is a member of her parish’s bereavement ministry.
“It’s the (adult) children who come in and a lot of them are no longer practicing Catholics. So they’re quite confused as to what the proper protocol is. But they want to honor their parents. They’re greatly relieved that we are helping them,” said Suyderhoud.
“Even people who go to church every weekend when it comes to doing a funeral Mass, everybody is like deer in the headlights,” she said. “We are sort of a calming influence for them.”
One important service of the bereavement ministries is helping families plan a funeral Mass.
“A lot of times people just don’t know what to do. Sometimes they don’t even know where to get flowers,” said Suyderhoud.
Bereavement ministry is a part of many parishes across the Diocese of Honolulu. Most have a team of volunteers who are willing to be available at all times for grieving families.
Gussie Hayashi who is a member of the bereavement ministry at St. Jude Church in Kapolei, said being ready at any time for a call from a parishioner is part of the service.
“These are retirees that volunteer their time” and are therefore more available, said Hayashi.
Bereavement ministry varies from parish to parish. Some provide food after the Mass, others don’t.
Resurrection of the Lord in Waipio, is one of two parishes in the diocese with a columbarium, a perpetual wall of niches for the urns of parishioners who have been cremated. It is a new thing. The pastor Father Peter Miti said the bereavement ministry makes sure the columbarium is ready for the deceased if the family requests it.
Grief counseling
At St. John Vianney Church in Kailua, part of the bereavement ministry is the assurance that there will be parish-wide prayers for the repose of the soul. The ministry also provides pastoral grief counseling for the loved ones of the deceased.
St. Joseph Church in Waipahu has two separate ministry groups, one for practical funeral liturgy guidance and one for those who seek ongoing emotional healing.
St. John Apostle and Evangelist Parish in Mililani offers funeral financial aid if needed.
And at St. Anthony in Wailuku, Maui, parishioners pray for all the repose of the souls who have had funeral Masses at their parish on All Souls Day, Veterans Day, and Memorial Day.
The list of parish bereavement services can go on and on. But what they all do is help with the funeral itself and provide consolation.
According to the Catholic Church’s “Order of Christian Funerals,” the funeral rite serves to strengthen our faith of life after death. It’s a liturgy that offers prayers for the deceased and for the loved ones, but it’s also a reminder of the union between the person who has passed and God.
“Christians celebrate the funeral rites to offer worship, praise, and thanksgiving to God for the gift of a life which has now been returned to God, the author of life and the hope of the just,” the book says.
The funeral Mass also provides the opportunity to pray for the dead to receive God’s merciful love.
“Though separated from the living, the dead are still at one with the community of believers on earth and benefit from their prayers and intercession,” the Order says.
Wesley Taira, a social worker and grief counselor who trains bereavement ministers, said Catholic belief in the communion of saints brings consolation to the grieving.
“We believe that we are all still part of one family. So your relationship with that person really never ends. It goes through a change, and the change is a spiritual one,” said Taira.
One person he has counseled still tells his late wife that he loves her. Taira said that’s better than keeping your grief bottled inside, which can be physically and emotionally taxing.
“Grief is such a powerful emotion, it’s going to affect you on a cellular level. So, people get sick, they get depressed, because they’re keeping all that emotion in the body. You need some sort of way to process and to release it,” said Taira.
Taira emphasized that when face-to-face with grief, seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an emotion no one should face alone.
“People think they can, but they can’t. They lose their memory. They can’t make good decisions. They can’t take care of menial tasks. Their response time is slower,” said Taira. “Some people think they’re losing their mind, but actually it’s this preoccupation with this huge emotion that you’re experiencing.”
That’s the time to get help from a grief counselor or therapist.
Grief is “evidence that there was love invested in that relationship [with the deceased]. That’s an indication that you’ve loved, and you loved well,” said Taira.
Taira is giving support group facilitation training Nov. 18 as part of the “Healing Hearts” ministry at Mary, Star of the Sea Church in Honolulu. For more information, call Mary, Star of the Sea Church, 808-734-0396.
A sympathetic ear
Since death is the only thing in this life that is promised, Syuderhoud said that bereavement ministries touches everyone.
At Holy Trinity, it starts with an interview with the family. She said some people just want to know what they need to do; others want her to take over the whole operation.
“I just ask a few questions about the person if I didn’t know them. And I say, ‘Well, I know these readings will be good.’ Most of the time people are happy with what we do,” said Syuderhoud.
Depending on how big the bereavement ministry is at the parish, they can offer musicians, eucharistic ministers, altar servers, greeters, and folks who set up and clean up.
Syuderhoud has even assisted families with shopping for food or flowers, but ultimately, she said the most important element of this ministry is having a listening ear.
“When you listen to people, you can hear and say ‘Oh, I think they want to talk about this.’ Especially if it was a horribly long goodbye, when they’ve been the caregiver,” said Suyderhoud.
Expecting the unexpected
Hayashi who has been in the ministry for more than 15 years, said there have been moments on the day of the funeral Mass that nothing went as planned.
She recalls a recent service when the family expected coffee and juice to be delivered by the mortuary. Due to a miscommunication the drinks did not show up.
Hayashi improvised, finding juice and brewing coffee left over from a previous funeral. Fortunately, it was just enough for everyone.
“I told the lady, ‘It happens, you know.’ She was so thankful, and I said, ‘It’s okay. That’s what we’re here for,’” said Hayashi.
Sometimes there are the unexpected surprises, triggered by drama among the family members.
“You have to be comfortable with people being uncomfortable sometimes. We’ve had situations where there were fights going on with the people who grieve and you just kind of have to know how to deal with that kind of stuff,” said Syuderhoud.
She said the bereavement ministry is a calling and should be properly discerned.
“It’s not for everybody, just like visiting the sick is not for everybody. I jokingly said to Deacon Steve [Kula] one day because he wanted me to visit the sick, I said, ‘Oh, I’m not good with sick people. Once they’re dead, I’m your person.’ He was a little horrified, but I think he understood,” said Syuderhoud.
“I do try to get people to smile at some point during the family meeting and talk about the happy times with the [deceased] person,” she said. “That’s always my goal. One smile, at least, in a family meeting.”
For those who volunteer for the ministry, it’s often a personal experience that motivated them to join.
Hayashi lost her husband about 33 years ago. She remembers how welcoming and supportive people were toward her when he died. She decided it was time for her to return the favor.
“I want to give back all what God has given me. I wanted this because I loved my husband and I know how hard it is when you lose somebody. That’s why I chose bereavement,” said Hayashi.
Syuderhoud said losing her mother made her realize how difficult it was to plan a funeral Mass. She said her father, sisters and she felt lost. The bereavement ministry at Holy Trinity stepped in and made it much easier for them.
“Then when my dad died, I had had conversations with him saying, ‘Oh, I really like that song. I want that song at my funeral. What do you like?’ So, when he died and I planned his funeral, I knew exactly what to do. I saw it as my final gift to him. That’s what I try to say to people. Let this Mass reflect them [the deceased] and their faith. Sometimes that resonates with the individuals, and they say, ‘Oh, that’s a lovely idea.’ So, I just help them give their final gift,” she said.
