I dislike getting angry. It leaves me shaken and ashamed. I understand anger’s source. We perceive a threat, and a surge of adrenaline gives us the strength to run away or fight back. Knowing that, I can sometimes walk off anger before I say or do something I’ll regret. I tell myself that I’m not under attack, or that the attack is over, and I grow calmer.
What I absolutely hate and really don’t understand is irritability. Where does that nasty, nit-picking, irrational annoyance come from? No one is threatening me, yet I’m bugged beyond all reason when my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor or a shopper cuts ahead of me in line. Often I’m annoyed by stuff that has nothing to do with me, like a teenager wearing shorts to a funeral or the mechanic chewing gum with his mouth open.
I know anger is a deadly sin. I assume irritability is venial, but I find it lingers longer. When I’m angry, I blow up and apologize in practically the same breath. Annoyance, though, sticks around. Sometimes all I can do is bite my tongue and hang on till bedtime. I suspect that my annoyed sarcasm has hurt more people than my angriest tirades.
So how minor is a venial sin? We talk about sins like they come in neat boxes, but I think sin is more like a color spectrum. At one end is pale pink, say a minor irritation quickly suppressed. At the other end is red hot wrath with its broken plates and slamming doors. In examining our conscience, we need to look at the whole spectrum.
I see a similar spectrum for the other deadly sins. Checking out the Playboy centerfold isn’t as bad as poring over online porn, but they’re not really separate sins, are they? Venial sins are like spiritual “entry drugs.” Those who spend hours reading about the rich and famous come to resent their own more modest lifestyle. Those who decide they can skip Sunday Mass once in a while find that they’re absent more than they’re present.
This spectrum reminds me of a scene from “Annie Hall.” Woody Allen says to Diane Keaton, “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. … It has to constantly move forward, or it dies. And I think what we’ve got on our hands is a dead shark.”
So that’s my examination of conscience. How is my relationship with the Lord? Am I drawing closer to him or drifting away? Am I making decisions based on serving him or pleasing myself? Are there areas in my life where God is not welcome? Is my shark moving or dead in the water?
I once watched a religion teacher lead some boys through a lesson on venial sins. She gave them each a piece of thread and asked them to break it, which they did easily. She said, “That thread is like one venial sin. We can correct our course as easily as you broke that thread.” Then she brought one boy’s hands together. She talked about the common failures of his age like lying, bullying and cheating. As she spoke, she looped the thread around his wrists over and over. In short order, he could not get free without help.
That image has stayed with me. When I catch myself grumbling about immoral movie stars or my neighbor’s barking dog, I can almost feel the threads biting into my wrists. Venial habits turn mortal so quickly. All I can do is beg God to come to my aid — and bring his scissors.
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo, HI 96720, or e-mail: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
