Cry rooms like the one seen here, can be a controversial topic. Some priests say they prefer not to separate children from the rest of the congregation. (CNS photo/Craig Pittelli, The Monitor)
By Anna Weaver
Hawaii Catholic Herald
On a recent Sunday, my 4-year-old and 2-year-old were “having a moment” during Mass. Either they both wanted me to pick them up at the same time or they were fighting over one of their church-approved books. Whatever the cause, I’d taken them outside to sit on a bench in the church courtyard until they calmed down.
They were still fussing when I saw a fellow parishioner turn and look at us from inside the church’s open doors with a half-irritated look.
“Man,” I thought, “I’ve even taken my kids outside and we’re still getting looks!”
I seem to miss half of every Sunday Mass these days between taking my kids to Children’s Liturgy of the Word or trying to keep them in line, and my husband would probably say the same thing. But we keep going. Partly because our parents did the same thing to us all throughout childhood. And partly because we hold onto the hope that something, anything, about our Catholic faith is getting through to our little ones as they fidget in the pew.
Parents walk a delicate tightrope as we work to bring our children up as Catholics, both in and out of Mass. We can use all the support we can get to keep coming back. Just look at the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate statistic that shows weekly Mass attendance has dropped from an estimated 55% in 1970 to 21% in 2018.
So here are a few suggestions for those of you watching us parents with young kids in the pews:
Be friendly before and after Mass
Our family of four loves greeting fellow Massgoers as we come in and out of church. So please say hi to the young families you see sitting by you or offer a warm smile.
After Mass, maybe give a compliment to the parents (“Joey has such a joyful singing voice!”) and chitchat a little to show they are welcome. Just avoid these phrases: “My kids used to be that loud too.” “Boy, you have your hands full!” and “When are you having your next one?”
Chris Greisen holds his son Andrew, 3, during the Diocese of Green Bay’s Fortnight for Freedom closing Mass July 4, 2013, at the cathedral in Green Bay, Wisconsin. (CNS photo/Sam Lucero, The Compass)
Ignore the noise
During Mass, ignore the sounds coming from the children around you. That’s right, your (hopefully) well-intentioned glance over or back at the sounds coming from keiki near you won’t instantly turn them into quiet angels or make their parents feel any better about themselves.
Example: Our 4-year-old is mildly autistic and tends to make vocalizations at the end of songs or speak in too loud of a voice during the silent parts of Mass. Sometimes he can control it and sometimes he can’t. We’ve been working with him a lot on proper Mass behavior despite his noises. I cringe inside every time someone near me turns to look at us, even when they are giving us friendly smiles because my preschooler really loves singing the “Glory to God.”
If you hear a young child at Mass acting out, crying, or being extra loud, please don’t turn around and look. I know it’s sometimes a knee-jerk reaction or perhaps a Catholic version of rubbernecking. But chances are those kids’ parents are struggling mightily to get them to behave.
More often than not, parents will take a child out that has reached the “beyond church decibels” level. But if a child is giggling, making a few cries, etc., it’ll pass. And if you missed part of a reading due to noise interference, the USCCB has all the daily Scripture readings online at usccb.org/bible/readings.
Help create a family-friendly culture at your parish
There are so many ways parishes can and are doing this!
Weekly ‘Ohana Sundays are a great reason to gather after Mass. No better way to get kids and parents to stick around and get to know one another than with donuts for the kids and strong coffee for the parents.
Don’t hold events you want young families to come to during naptime, which is usually a few hours right after lunch, or much past dinnertime, when kids are melting down as bedtime approaches.
Have Children’s Liturgy of the Word during at least one weekend service. It’s a break for the adults and an interactive experience aimed at kids.
Look into developing your child and family faith formation programs with offerings like Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. The Office of Religious Education is more than happy to give you ideas!
One suggestion for young families is to sit upfront in Mass so kids can see what’s going on and take in more of the service. (CNS photo/Debbie Hill)
PRIEST FEEDBACK
Want to know what local priests think about kids in Mass? Short story: They love them!
When he became pastor at St. Catherine Parish in Kapaa, Father Anthony Rapozo created an alternate space for families that was not a cry room. By the church entrance doors, the parish put benches covered by umbrellas along with toys and books for kids.
“Parents can still see and hear the Mass from where they are at,” Father Rapozo said.
“I tell people that everybody is welcome here. If we don’t make the young families with kids feel welcome they won’t come back,” he said. “Don’t give the parents with a baby ‘the look.’ It’s already a challenge for them to just get there.”
Father Rapozo also said that the parish has their religious education classes before Mass every other weekend. Afterward, the children are escorted to the front pews of the church to be joined by their parents for Mass.
He also works to find ways to get children and teens involved as altar servers, lectors and eucharistic ministers.
“You should be happy when you hear crying in church because you have a growing church,” Father Rapozo says he tells his parishioners. “When you don’t hear babies crying, then you got to worry, because you don’t have a growing church, you have a dying church.”
Over on Maui, Msgr. Terence Watanabe, pastor of St. Theresa Parish in Kihei, agrees parishes shouldn’t be hiding children away at Mass.
“A long time ago, a priest said to me, ‘You know, if we’re going to be a church that does not support abortion, then we should not be complaining about children crying in church.’”
Msgr. Watanabe encourages families with kids to sit in the front rows of seats at Mass.
“It’s best that they be upfront so they can see what’s going on, which will hopefully keep their interest a little bit more,” he said.
He also wants parents to bring their pre-first Communion kids up for a blessing at Communion time, and be willing to take the gifts up as a family if asked. Before Mass, parents should prepare their kids by going over the Sunday readings and talking about what will be going on during the service.
“All of those are promises parents made at their children’s baptisms, to raise their children in the practice of the faith.” Msgr. Watanabe said.
Making sure your family has a daily sit-down meal together with no digital or other distractions is a way to model how we gather at Mass around the communion table.
“The parents are responsible for creating wonderful experiences at home that help the child to relate to what we’re doing in church,” he said. “The home is supposed to be a domestic church.”
Since the recent restoration of the original order of the Sacraments of Initiation here in the Diocese of Honolulu, children are now confirmed in second grade and can therefore participate in more ministries at an earlier age, something Msgr. Watanabe encourages. Lectors, ushers and eucharistic ministers are all required to be confirmed, for example.
“We’re not just waiting for them to grow up to be adults and ask them then,” he said. “They’re capable of doing some of these things right now. Once you get them involved, then [Mass] makes a lot more sense to them.”
A mother holds her children during Mass in 2011 at Jesus the Divine Word Church in Huntingtown, Maryland. (CNS photo/Bob Roller)
WE ASKED, YOU ANSWERED
We asked our social media followers to share their experiences with kids at Mass. Here’s what they had to say:
Personally, I find this topic EXTREMELY interesting! We are instructed to bring up our children in the Catholic faith, and yet some in the church would deem their presence too disruptive during Mass. Perhaps we should be looking at ways to educate the children WHILE they are learning proper Mass etiquette. In my opinion, children learn and mature best when they have real-world examples and can emulate them as they learn the meaning behind each rite. —Kevin Saito, Cathedral Basilica of Our Lady of Peace, Honolulu
I make sure to bring books, crayons, coloring books and quiet snacks for my 4-year-old. Maybe for churches without a children’s Mass, the parish could leave out blank religious coloring pages for kids. When I was a kid, I always remembered my mom packing small toys and coloring books. She did tell me the other day that she let me bring paper dolls once because they are a quiet toy, which worked until I tried to have a fashion show on the back of the pews! —MaryLynn Conroy, Holy Family Parish, Honolulu
By all means bring them to Mass BUT make sure they display the discipline and respect parents should be teaching their children. Free-range parenting ultimately works against children’s abilities to manage on their own in social settings. Teach’em manners and social filters. Love them enough to give them the capability to love others. We want to love all kids regardless of their “style,” — from rambunctious to angelic — so R E S P E C T is a big part of their upbringing. When it’s evident that the child is the true head of the household, then we should be willing to give — OR ACCEPT — guidance for future development. —Charles Todd, St. Catherine Parish, Kapaa
We sit in the front so we can watch, and we bring snacks and coloring pages. We also try to have our kids join us when we kneel, hold hands during “Our Father,” say “Peace be with you,” etc. We’re fortunate to have a parish that loves kids, and I think that’s always the big, important factor. When kids are welcome (crying or not) that makes a difference. —Lowella Gaerlan, St. George Parish, Waimanalo
With my first, I spent a lot of time outside so as not to disturb others. When I had the next two, I started sitting in the front so they could see and participate in what was going on. After all, church is family. Our children were raised with lots of aunties and uncles. I love the sound of children in church. Hopefully if they are comfortable and feel at home they will stay! —Tina Andrade, Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish, Pearl City
Cry rooms are OK for babies and toddlers that are too young to be disciplined and too young to understand how to behave during Mass. I took my kids to church when they were young and told them to just sit and listen and behave. No playing for an hour during Mass. After Mass, we will let them do what they want to. —Ed-Pres Timoteo, Pearl Harbor Memorial Chapel, Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam
No cry rooms. Please excuse my daughter as she walks/talks/cries. I am teaching her to like being in church (with everyone else). Extra grace is appreciated by those parents brave enough to sit/run/stand/repeat. We know it isn’t easy to connect with God with a screaming child in church; Thank you and God bless you =) —Glenn Mendoza, Immaculate Conception Parish, Ewa
I choose to have my children attend a church that had a wonderful Sunday School. It was just a better learning environment for them. Mass is way too much to ask of a little one. I was able to absorb all the blessings of Mass. A win, win! —Wally Jean Medeiros
