Viriditas2: Soul Greening
Interviewed by Sister Malia Dominica Wong, OP
Hawaii Catholic Herald
On top of my mother’s dresser, I noticed a book listing the names of my siblings: Raymond—a strong warrior; Quirico — king; Roselle — a small flower; Regina — queen; and Reynard Jon — God’s gracious gift. My mother was only 18 when she married my father, who was 28. We were quickly born one after another.
Growing up, our home sometimes felt like hell. There was drinking, fighting, physical and verbal abuse. I carried so much pain. I was bullied in school, and although people said I was smart, I felt that no one appreciated me.
By grade 7, I became rebellious. I went out with friends, drank, danced and stopped going to church. Yet something from my childhood remained. My lola (grandmother) always brought me to church and encouraged me to attend Flores de Mayo.
Through her, I learned about Jesus, Mama Mary and the saints. I fell in love with the children’s choir and serving the church. Even when I ran away from God, somehow God never ran away from me.
After high school, I became even more rebellious, almost running away from home. Then one day I was rushed to the hospital. My condition was 50-50, but I was conscious. I prayed, “Lord, I don’t want my life anymore. No one loves me. I am empty. Take this life.”
My mother and father came running to me, crying: “What happened to you?” It felt like a big slap seeing them so distraught. For the first time, I realized that they did love me. Maybe they simply did not know how to show it.
During my formation years in the convent, I began to understand that my parents were victims who became victimizers. They were broken people who had never experienced the love they needed. They gave us schooling, food and what they could, but not the love they themselves had never received. So, I decided not to carry hatred. I wanted to give them love.
God also helped me see that my pain could become a gift. As a teacher, I encountered students struggling deeply, even some thinking of taking their own lives. Because I had experienced my own darkness, I could listen and understand them.
When former students thank me, I tell them, “You don’t have to pay me back. Pay it forward. Whatever goodness you received, give it to someone else.”
The one thing that sustains me is Jesus. I know I am a sinner, but I also know I can always come home. In confession, I speak to Jesus himself. People may misunderstand me, but Jesus knows every fiber of my heart. I am still a child who needs a father to heal me.
Through the pain, the darkness and rebellion, I realize God was pruning me that I would have the compassion to meet others in their broken places, and teach them how to turn darkness into love.
Sister Roselle Desabal is a Dominican Sister of the Most Holy Rosary of the Philippines. She was born in Bacolod City and recently arrived in Hawaii. She is 13 years professed and ministers at Rosary Preschool in Waipio Gentry.