Embracing Family
When our child comes crying to us about something said or done on the playground, our instinct is often to defend them and wonder, “How dare someone hurt my child!” Let’s pause and breathe. Since none of our children are saints, it’s likely that one of them contributed to, or even caused, the problem.
As Christians, we are called to be peacemakers, protecting our children while pursuing truth, justice, humility and reconciliation. What does this look like at home? We listen carefully, avoid judgments and recognize that everyone is capable of both goodness and wrongdoing. We want our children to value honesty and humility, not just appearing perfect or right.
It’s natural to want to defend our children and shield them from bullies, heartbreak or sadness. However, children need to experience these emotions and learn to handle them for growth and to prepare for life’s inevitable challenges.
Without facing and growing from these challenges, they won’t develop resilience and may struggle more as preteens and teens.
Our intentions to defend or rescue them from hurtful feelings may have unintentionally made their future harder. We also risk teaching them to see themselves as victims and view the world that way.
Our Catholic Christian faith calls us to seek the truth, as Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (Jn 14:6). He never said, “Defend and rescue your children at all times!” Forgiveness and accountability must coexist.
We likely all recall Epictetus’s proverb: “We have two ears and one mouth, so we can listen twice as much as we speak.” We should listen to both sides before drawing conclusions. We should encourage children to pray and honestly reflect on their words and actions, as they would with an examination of conscience. We should ask questions instead of making assumptions.
We want to encourage our children to be open and honest, humbly acknowledging the truth before God and others, rather than being defensive. Sometimes fewer questions are better:
What did you say or do that Jesus would not have said or done?
How would Jesus solve this problem?
Rather than assuming the role of victim and focusing on themselves, we challenge them to broaden their perspective and consider others’ feelings. We teach them to think critically and empower them to become problem-solvers. We teach them justice and mercy, honesty and humility, compassion and peacemaking.
Why is it important to start early? If children do not learn personal responsibility for their words and actions, they may struggle with friendships, marriage, workplace relationships and even their faith. When we learn accountability, we gain honesty, empathy, repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation.
When they are given the chance to solve the problem, they become expert problem-solvers as children. They need to know we all make mistakes. We all need God’s grace and must seek forgiveness.
Rather than seeing a poor choice as failure, see it as a learning opportunity, as a chance to admit any wrongdoing, to seek forgiveness, and to work toward a solution. We can also encourage them to receive the sacrament of Reconciliation.
Parenting is not about always defending our child. It’s about forming honest, compassionate followers of Christ who are willing to stand humbly in front of others, accepting responsibility for their choices.
Our children need to feel safe with us while we lovingly correct them and hold them accountable. This builds homes where truth and charity reign, relationships strengthen, and we witness the Gospel in our homes, schools, workplaces and communities.
Questions or prayer requests? Please email Sarah and David at Success@EmbraceFamilyLearning.com. We would be honored to lift you in prayer and respond.