Embracing family
Most parents dread certain predictable situations with their kids: undone chores, postponed homework, bedtime drama, oversleeping, laundry on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink or forgotten school items. As Dr. Phil often said, “The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.”
If our children keep repeating these behaviors and we keep responding the same way, the results don’t change. We get frustrated, give in or do the task ourselves, whether it’s making the bed, finishing the homework, picking up laundry or rushing forgotten items to school. In each case, the problem belongs to the child, but the solution comes from the parent.
This dynamic robs kids of critical learning. They cannot grow into problem solvers or critical thinkers if we continually rescue them.
I learned this years ago when I habitually jumped in to settle squabbles or fix problems. I realized I was stealing learning opportunities. So, I told my children they could call me a “burglar” if I offered unsolicited solutions.
They loved it — and it helped me step back while they learned to think, communicate and solve problems on their own.
I reminded them that I was stepping back because I loved and believed in them. If they focused on solutions, they would find them. If they truly couldn’t, they could ask for help. This taught them to be proactive and advocate for themselves.
Imagine how different those dreaded situations could be if we consistently allowed our children to solve their own problems.
Of course, this requires communication. We must explain in advance that we’re changing how we respond — not out of neglect but because we respect them and trust their abilities. We want to raise respectful, responsible kids who are smart and creative enough to handle most challenges they face.
So, what might this look like?
- We drive the child to sports or a friend’s house after chores are done.
- We allow the child to play or have a few minutes of electronic time after homework is completed.
- We enjoy evenings with our spouse after bedtime while the child stays quietly in their room with books or stuffed animals (no toys or electronics) until they fall asleep — or they do chores until they are tired enough to sleep.
- A teenager who oversleeps takes the bus, bikes or faces the consequence of being late.
- A child with no clean clothes learns to wash them.
- We serve dinner to the child once they clean their dirty plate.
- Kids learn strategies to remember what they need for school or sports after facing the consequence of forgetting.
These shifts create a win-win. Parents feel less stressed and more at peace. Kids become responsible, respectful and independent. They develop critical thinking, problem-solving, and communication skills. Most importantly, they grow in personal responsibility for their choices.
God entrusted us with children so that we would help them mature as Jesus did: “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Lk 2:52). If we keep stealing their learning opportunities, they may remain dependent on us instead of turning to God for strength. However, if we step back, they can grow into capable, faithful and independent young people.
The choice is ours. If we want our kids to change, we must first change how we respond.
Questions? Please email Sarah and David at Success@EmbraceFamilyLearning.com. We would be honored to lift you in prayer and respond!