The married life
This weekend our parish will honor couples who have been married for 50 years or more. They will be recognized at the Saturday evening Mass with a special blessing, followed by a dinner in the parish center. What a great witness these couples are to us.
I have been thinking about what elements are necessary for marriage to thrive over the long haul. What keeps a marriage strong in good times and bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health until death do they part?
Including Christ as the third person in the marriage is huge. The sacramental grace first received on the wedding day must grow and mature over time. Reliance on God throughout the married years promotes unity and love.
Having the support of a faith-filled community also makes a big difference. It supplements the love and affection we experience with our close family members.
Couples who have been married a long time are bound to experience great joys and deep sorrows in their life together. The birth and delight of having children and grandchildren, memorable vacations, shared projects and dreams, special times with family and friends. These make life rich, purposeful and a blessing to others.
But there are also times of hardship and sorrow. Financial struggles, the death of a family member, serious illness, a child or grandchild’s difficulties, broken relationships and more. Reliance on the Lord as a couple during these times is a great source of strength and consolation.
One time I wanted to print a book of poems that my mother wrote through the years. Some were melancholy, written after a time when my brother died.
I wanted to leave those poems out, but my dad said, “No, you leave every poem in. You take the bad with the good.” I realized that this was his philosophy on marriage too. My parents were married 52 years, and their love for each other never waned.
Several years ago the pastor at our church asked a couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary to stand up at Mass. Father asked them, what was the secret to such a long marriage? The husband immediately answered, “I say, ‘Yes, dear,’ a lot!” This wise man made us all laugh. A sense of humor brings levity to a marriage.
A woman friend of mine said she learned to “let go” of the little irritating things so common in marriage. Others have shared their wisdom of not trying to change their spouse, but rather praying for them that God’s will be accomplished in their life.
Some people unknowingly harbor anger in their hearts from past hurts. My sister-in-law, who was a nun, had suppressed anger against another sister who wronged her during the time of her novitiate. The feelings came back toward the end of her life.
My sister-in-law’s spiritual director encouraged her to forgive this nun. My sister-in-law was able to forgive her, and she experienced relief and renewed joy.
Some married couples are this way too. They have past hurts that can make them bitter or resentful. Forgiving things from the past brings healing and peace. In fact, learning to forgive quickly is a good habit to develop, and essential for long-term relationships.
In recent years the Catholic Church has recognized several married couples as canonical saints. Two examples are the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux, Zelie and Louis Martin, and the beatified couple Luigi and Maria Beltrame Quattrocchi of Italy. At their beatification, St. John Paul II said in his homily:
“Drawing on the word of God and the witness of the saints, the blessed couple lived an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. Among the joys and anxieties of a normal family, they knew how to live an extraordinarily rich spiritual life.”
Both my parents and my husband’s parents were able to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversaries, with their children and grandchildren participating. We were blessed to witness their marital love and fidelity through the ups and downs of ordinary life. Their examples paved the way for us.
Let us honor Christian marriages that have stood the test of time.