EMBRACING FAMILY
As we approach Holy Week, we cannot help but think of Jesus’ betrayal by one of his own friends, Judas. Hopefully, none of us will ever experience a friendship betrayal of that magnitude. Still, many of us have experienced betrayal in one way or another.
Children and adults have experienced disagreements, arguments and unexplained silence from family members or friends. Some situations culminated in reconciliation, while others resulted in broken relationships.
Let’s think about our relational conflicts. Did the situation escalate unnecessarily? Did anger fuel the feud? Rash judgments? Close-mindedness? Did we blame the other person rather than realize we were also at fault? Whatever the scenario, conflicts too often have deleterious effects on our lives.
When this happens in our homes, children suffer the most. They hear us fight, and their hearts break, chipped away one piece at a time, one fight at a time. Meanwhile, they are learning to handle conflict the way we handle it. So why are we surprised when we get a message from the teacher that our child was arguing, or worse still, hurt another child?
Now let’s think about disagreements that ended with a peaceful resolution. How did those situations differ from the hurtful conflicts? Maybe we were calmer. Did we listen to the other person’s concerns with an open mind and heart or acknowledge our wrongdoing? Did we pray or ask someone’s advice? Did we compromise? Maybe we decided that arguing was not worth the divisiveness.
When this peaceful resolution happens in our homes, everyone benefits. Our children learn communication skills and conflict resolution while living in a peaceful home where open communication and forgiveness are the norm. Then, the school might inform us that our child will receive a “character” or “peacemaker” award.
Our home life is the foundation upon which our children build their values, beliefs and character. It makes sense that the “Catechism of the Catholic Church” says that parents are the primary educators of their children: “They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule” (paragraph No. 2223).
Let’s not relegate this responsibility to the school. We must teach our children by our words and example.
Indeed, not every conflict can have a peaceful resolution. An abused spouse should not reconcile with the abuser. A child should not submit to the bully. In some situations, conflicts need mediation or intervention.
This does not mean people are failing at conflict resolution. It simply means that the situation is dangerous (emotionally or physically), and additional support is needed. Even in these more hurtful and extreme scenarios, while there may not be reconciliation with the relationship, we can walk a journey of healing with God and a therapist or counselor who can help us reconcile internally and peacefully move on with our lives. Jesus and Judas did not reconcile; however, Jesus forgave him and did not hold it against him.
The author and speaker Thomas Crum said, “The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.” We can choose to make discord in our lives dignified or deleterious. The choice is ours.
Questions? Email Sarah and David at Success@EmbraceFamilyLearning.com.
