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EMBRACING FAMILY
When parents ask us questions, we share faith-based parenting advice based on Love and Logic © and the Preventive System of St. John Bosco (Reason, Religion, Loving Kindness). Here is a recent exchange.
Q: In the mornings, I feel I am the only one who cares that we arrive on time and with whatever is needed. After spending my time helping motivate and encourage them, I find myself upset, frustrated, late and worst of all, not ready for my own day. Please help!
A: If it involved a playdate (for a younger child) or meeting up with a friend (older teen), would they be out of the door on time? If you answer “YES!” then we know they can prepare for their own day in a timely fashion.
What is needed to be up on time, say morning prayers, be prepared for the day, eat a healthy breakfast, and be in the car a few minutes before departure? A plan.
Plan A: Each family member posts a list of his or her needs. Supply what is required to be successful, like an alarm clock.
Plan B: Create a Plan B if Plan A does not go as expected. Determine how the children will get to their destination if they miss the free transportation. Will they use their own money for the bus? How will the children make it to school on time if it’s the parent who is late? Post Plans A and B near each other.
Practice: Practice Plan A on a weekend or vacation day when no one is in a rush.
Practice Plan B pretending the children are not ready on time. Then pretend the parent is running late.
Reiterate that, because we love them, we will not rescue them from a preventable situation. If it’s the parent running late, assume responsibility. Do not justify or blame others.
Let the family know that you will be preparing for your own day — not theirs. Likewise, they get to be in charge of themselves. They get to be their own boss.
Implement the plan: Agree on a start date when everyone feels they are ready. Do not give in to the temptation to assist, rescue or intervene. Do not blame others when being late is the parent’s fault.
Of course, if a child asks for assistance, we can assist, especially with younger children. However, as a general rule, allow them to do this on their own.
This teaches children to be actively engaged, thinking critically, planning, trouble-shooting, and taking ownership of their own lives.
Everyone learns life skills needed for success, now and throughout adulthood.
Following a plan decreases stress and improves attitudes. Rather than casting blame, each family member is accepting personal responsibility.
Celebrate success: This is an ongoing process. Focus on accomplishments, not failures. Celebrate even when Plan B works. Remember, our job as parents is not to raise children, but to raise respectful, responsible, faith-filled and independent adults. We parents need to model this for our children as well.
Here’s feedback from a Hawaii Catholic Herald reader regarding a question from the exhausted mom who felt she could never keep up:
“I was relieved to know that other parents feel this way. I never want family and friends to see the crazy part of our life, and I am starting to wonder why I think I have to uphold a facade. It is ironic that simplifying life can actually lead to greater happiness and success. I can’t wait to share this with my spouse and kids.”
Questions? Please email Sarah and David at Success@EmbraceFamilyLearning.com and we would be honored to lift you up in prayer and respond as well.
