THE MARRIED LIFE
Pope Francis says three phrases should always be spoken within a family:
Please.
Thank you.
I’m sorry.
And the hardest of these, says my husband, is to say, “I’m sorry.”
How true this is. Recently I had a hard time sleeping because I knew my husband was mad at me after a disagreement. He hardly ever gets mad. If you want to sleep, adhere to the Scripture, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26)
The next morning, we talked the issue out. It had started with something small and escalated into something bigger. We both made suppositions that weren’t true, and we were able to resolve them. Tom said he was sorry for his part, and I forgave him, touched by his humility. And I was sorry for my part. Peace was restored.
St. Teresa of Kolkata says there is no peace without forgiveness. And my observation is that true forgiveness is as difficult as expressing sorrow for the initial act.
Sometimes we hurt someone “by mistake.” We didn’t mean to hurt them. Therefore, we think we don’t have to seek forgiveness or be reconciled with them. This is the mistake. On the other hand, we can be too sensitive about what loved ones say or do.
Sometimes it is what we fail to do that hurts others more than what we do. “I didn’t do anything.”
Exactly.
I used to cut my husband’s hair to save money spent going to a barber. One day I was trimming his hair and had the electric shaver in my hand. I thought I had the guard on, but it was off. Tom started talking about finances, a difficult topic at the time. I lost my concentration and moved the blade up the back of his head, thinking I was shortening his hair, but instead cutting it clean off, leaving a long bald strip on the back of his head.
I turned the clippers off and said, “Oh no!” The kids ran to look and were rather aghast. Tom went to the mirror and turned his head sideways to get a look. He put his hand to his mouth and gasped. It looked pretty bad and there was no way to hide it.
I thought for sure Tom would be mad at me. He knew it was an accident, but still. All was quiet until, to my relief, he laughed. The kids and I started to laugh with him, doubling over with laughter. Tom was the one who had to suffer the consequences of that error, going to work every day with the bald strip. At first, he wore a hat and covered it with a bandage. Someone asked if he had had brain surgery. It took several weeks for his hair to grow back.
Of course, I had shaved his head by mistake, and I sure was sorry. But Tom’s instant forgiveness and humor were what I will always remember. (Needless to say, I never cut his hair again.)
The biggest example of forgiveness I have experienced was with my father-in-law. One day he showed me a picture of his father, which was taken at a veteran’s hospital where his father had died. It was the only picture he had of his dad, who had abandoned his wife and four sons when they were young. My father-in-law said, “Well, my mother wasn’t the easiest person to live with.” Mind you, my father-in-law loved his mother and cared for her dearly, having her live with his family for many years. What he said was more an indication of his own lack of judgment on his father. He held no anger or bitterness, even though his father had never been there for him.
My father-in-law was himself a very good dad, always putting his family first. He delighted in his children and spent time with them. I think if he had chosen to be angry and resentful instead of forgiving, he would not have been able to be such a good father himself.
Sometimes we hang onto anger and aren’t willing to forgive. We feel so justified in our hurt. Thankfully, that is not how Jesus is with us. Rather, the Bible says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Tom and I have tried to establish the habit of saying “I’m sorry” when wronging each other, followed by “I forgive you.” It’s easier to say, “That’s okay,” but, “I forgive you” is better.
Maybe for Lent this year we can follow Christ’s example and be reconciled with one another, and choose to forgive, as Christ forgave us.
