Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
THE MARRIED LIFE
My mother wrote poems, mostly about the family. They were insightful and funny:
Grab a chair and sit down dear,
While I tell you of our trip up here.
Hot, hot, hot as it could be
Tempers flared — I’m speaking of me,
Ten back seat drivers shouting at Phil,
It’s a wonder the poor guy speaks to us still …
Thus began the story of our annual two-day road trip to our grandparents’ home in Michigan.
The poems chronicled life in our family of 10 children, and one year I had the idea that these poems were a family treasure and should be shared with everyone. I resolved to make a little booklet of mom’s poems for each of my siblings as a Christmas gift. However, when I read the poems, I discovered that several of them were melancholy, especially after the tragic death of our oldest brother:
Dear God,
My son Phil has died
And I have grieved and cried.
Till I have nearly died …
Those poems were so sad I decided not to include them in the booklet. But when I told my father what I planned to do he said, “No, no. You take the good with the bad. You put every poem in the book.” And so I did.
I realized then that my father lived his philosophy of taking the good with the bad, “for better or worse,” as the marriage vows say. He certainly loved my mother in good times and bad. That first year after Phil died was hard on both of them, and the grieving was especially deep for my mother. But my father was always there for her despite his own loss.
Marriage involves many, many shared joys over the years, but also unexpected difficulties. Our marriage of 41 years has had its fair share of unexpected joys and unexpected sufferings. We have had military separations, financial struggles, a daughter requiring brainstem and spinal surgery, and having to move homes seven times in 12 years. But those years were also filled with many happy surprises and memories.
A major blessing of marriage is the commitment couples make to be there for one another during the good times and the bad, along with the Holy Spirit, who strengthens and supports us. What a gift to not have to go through hard times alone!
Everyone experiences storms in their lives at one time or another. My parents were able to withstand the storm of their son’s death. And my mother’s poems, taken from beginning to end, reflected her deep faith:
Life goes on — good or bad
Joyous or sad.
Good thing it does; one never knows
The height of joy or blows
That will befall.
Maybe a joy tomorrow,
Instead of a sorrow.
Mary Duddy retired this summer from her job as moderator of the tribunal of the Diocese of Honolulu. She and her husband Tom have three kids and six grandkids.