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THE MARRIED LIFE
The bishop where I worked in North Carolina wanted to talk to me about my recent engagement to Tom. He had never met Tom, but he had a sister who married someone in the military and she experienced many hardships. Knowing that Tom was in the Navy and what that lifestyle might entail, he did not think that I was cut out for the military spouse life and he told me so.
I was shocked. I knew I should seriously consider what he said. He was the bishop after all. And I had to admit that I knew very little about what being a dependent in the military meant.
After listening to the bishop, I hurried back to my apartment and called Tom in tears, telling him all the bishop had said. Tom was quiet. He was living with a Marine Corps family whom he had met at the base chapel, and after a thoughtful minute, he suggested I talk to the wife to get her perspective on military life. He put her on the phone. She was a lovely, faith-filled woman who gave encouraging words about family life in the military and how her church and community supported her. However, I wasn’t sure I could live up to her example.
When Tom was back on the phone I asked him, “What should I do?”
Poor Tom. What was he supposed to say? But I will never forget what he did say: “That is up to you to decide. You are the only one who can make that decision.”
I decided to pray and think about it for a while. It truly was a time of discernment. Discernment is soul-searching work. Even the Lord doesn’t tell you what to do. The Holy Spirit is gentle, and it takes silence to hear Him speak. I thought and prayed, and the truth came to the surface. Did I want to marry Tom or not? Of course I did!
I realized that the life I would have if I married Tom would be different than what I had expected, with unforeseen hardships. On the other hand, how could I live my life without him? I loved him so much. Finally, I realized that I was marrying Tom, not the Navy.
It was a wonderful grace that the Lord gave me to see things so clearly and help me make a free choice. In the future, when I did face some of the hardships my bishop had warned me about, I knew I had still made the right choice.
My mother’s advice
My mother used to tell us a story of how she had discerned who to marry. Two men proposed to her at the same time, my dad and someone else. She liked them both and didn’t know how to choose. She asked a priest for advice, and he told her to not see either of them for three weeks and take the time to pray about it.
My mother told both men she wanted a three-week break with no contact from either of them so that she could discern God’s will. My father honored her request and did not contact her at all for three weeks. The other fellow did not honor her request and kept calling her, saying he missed her so much. It was then my mother realized that my father was a man she could trust. He had left her alone to make a free choice. The other man wanted to control the outcome. Needless to say, she chose my father.
Thereafter my mother always said, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I made the right choice when I married your father.” What a gift that was for her and for all of us 10 children.
Making a free choice is an essential element of marriage. As the marriage vows say, “Have you come here to enter into marriage without coercion, freely and wholeheartedly?”
It is sad to see in the Tribunal Office where I work the marriages where one or both parties to the marriage never made a free choice to enter into marriage. Maybe one felt coerced or pressured by their parents, the other party, or even themselves. Maybe the couple just drifted into marriage after years of living together. A clear, free choice to marry was never made.
Many times people are afraid to make a choice. They like to keep their options open. If things don’t work out, they can leave. What if they are unhappy? What if it turns out like other bad examples of marriage they have seen? Without making a free choice, a real decision with eyes and heart open, when hard times come, it is too easy to give up rather than work things out.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life too, but I made the right choice when I married Tom.
