THE MARRIED LIFE
“As the hind longs for the running water, so my soul longs for you O God!” (Psalms 42:2)
Mary Duddy looks over some favorite foods at a favorite place with a favorite drink in hand. (HCH photo | Anna Weaver)
Mary:
“Stop!” Tom said, and he pointed to a deer in the forest coming slowly toward us, with its mate not far behind. The deer came so close we could probably have reached out and touched him. What a special moment!
We were hiking at Glacier National Park in Montana, where we were celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary.
Would that every moment of married life were as full of wonder as that day. It reminded me of the Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve walked unencumbered among trees, lakes, rivers and mountains, and the animals ran freely and could be touched. Then in the afternoons the Lord joined them in the garden and they walked together.
This is how married life is meant to be — like walking in the garden together with the Lord at our side. There is a deep peace and contentment, unity and joy.
But, alas, it is not always so. Sin entered the world and, admittedly, we are all sinners. But how do we get back to the way Our Lord originally intended marriage to be?
I am reminded of a recent incident where Tom and I were able to restore peace in a small way.
We were preparing to put on a marriage seminar for married couples. As is often the case, we were very busy ourselves and had a hard time scheduling in the training necessary for it. Several times we had thought a time would work but then something more pressing always seemed to come up.
With the seminar date getting closer we were starting to feel a little anxious. At the same time Tom had just returned from a nine-day Mainland trip and had some catching up to do at home and work. Plus we needed to get the house ready for some Mainland friends that were going to stay with us. Does this sound familiar? Life is busy!
With that background, we sat down on a Friday night to discuss what we needed to accomplish during the weekend. We looked at our Saturday schedule and the morning was booked with errands and doing some house cleaning. Usually on Saturdays I like to go swimming at noon, a one hour slot when the pool is open for lap swimming. Tom likes me to go too. I thought maybe I should skip swimming that Saturday, but Tom said no, I should go. However, after swimming I like to go to Whole Foods and check out their sales and get a drink I like. But during our Friday night discussion we agreed that the Whole Foods side trip should be dropped.
We decided that when I got back from swimming we would do a 90-minute training module together. That seemed like a good plan, and we continued to make some decisions about the rest of the weekend. It looked like we’d be able to accomplish everything we needed to do if we were disciplined about our time. At the end of that conversation Tom said something like, “So, no Whole Foods on Saturday, right?” I agreed, for the second time, that that was fine.
Saturday arrived, and we did our morning routine.
Then, as I was heading out the door Tom said in a somewhat authoritative tone, “Remember, no Whole Foods!”
I think that kind of did it for me. I found being reminded for a third time, as I was walking out the door, kind of irritating. On the one hand it wasn’t that big of a deal. After all, I got to go swimming. But on the other hand, I had already agreed to skip Whole Foods, and he knew it. Was it really necessary to bring it up again? I didn’t react, I just let it slip, and headed out the door.
Tom:
Now being the insightful and sensitive person I am, when Mary left I didn’t have a clue, not even an inkling of what I had just done. That’s probably because I sort of have a bad habit of doing that. It used to irritate my kids, but I don’t think I ever realized I treated Mary the same way on occasion.
Plus, Mary was probably sort of used to it and because it wasn’t a frequent occurrence between us, she never confronted me with it, or perhaps if she did I wasn’t really listening. That changed a few days later.
I’m not sure how it came up, but Mary mentioned the Whole Foods event, and said that the first two times were fine, but that a third reminder as she went out the door was too much.
My first thought was, “No, I don’t think I did that.” My second thought was, “Yeah, that sounds like something I’d do.” I immediately realized how disrespectful that was, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness, and she said she forgave me.
It is sad when something small like this can cause a wedge in our relationship. And how freeing it is when that wedge is gone. Now we can laugh about the incident.
I think when we are willing to be humble enough to admit our failings and forgive each other, peace in our relationship is restored. It is so worth it.
It does sound simple, but why is it sometimes so hard to do? I think being humble is never easy. It takes the grace of the Holy Spirit to help us overcome our pride. Come Holy Spirit!
Mary Duddy works for the Diocese of Honolulu’s office of the Tribunal and Canonical Affairs as moderator of the tribunal and as a notary public. Contact her at mary_duddy@rcchawaii.org.
