YOUR FAMILY
In 2003, my wife and I had been married for 29 years when we wrote a column on marriage that offered tips for newlyweds.
Remember, we wrote, that the sacrament is called “marriage,” not “wedding.” Also, continue to transform your wedding day promises into everyday compromises. Be fiscally prudent. Avoid being a “shopaholic” or a miser. When the hard times arrive, be on the same team. Make it “us against them.”
Keep in mind that thoughtfulness and generosity remain the keys to happy romance. Don’t hesitate to get professional help (for your car, your health or your marriage).
Also important is praying for each and praying with each other. Stay friends, we said, and laugh whenever possible but never at the expense of another, especially your spouse. Celebrate your anniversary! One year is a big deal. And, finally, don’t eat the top tier of the wedding cake that has been in the freezer for a year. Ick.
Then later in 2009, a couple of months after our 35th anniversary, we wrote: We’re not saying you don’t already know these things, but, when you’re tired, when you’re frustrated, when you’re angry — and all those things happen to every husband and wife — it can help to return to some of the basics.
Remember that you’re not competitors. If one person “wins,” both lose. Part of your role is graciously to help your spouse become a better person, and part is to accept your spouse’s help graciously, to grow toward becoming the person God created each of you to be: his beautiful son or daughter.
Nagging is not gracious, and exactly who you think your spouse should be may not be who God created him or her to be.
Like a fire or a garden, marriage is a “living” thing. It needs to be tended regularly and that takes deliberate effort. Left alone or ignored, it can turn into nothing but ashes or weeds, accompanied by the deep regret of what might have been.
Laugh with each other, not at each other. Pray with each other and for each other. Talk to each other every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every half century and more. At some point in the distant future, smile, shake your heads and offer a little advice when there’s a new bride and groom in your family, your parish, your neighborhood or workplace.
Now, in 2016, the year of our 42nd anniversary, I look at those two lists and I think, “Yes, we got it right. Those are solid, practical suggestions.”
And it comforts me to realize that even though Monica has died, over those many years we learned that a happy marriage is a bit of heaven on earth. We experienced that. And now I know that makes widowhood a bit of purgatory on earth. It’s only temporary and it’s nothing that a loved one in heaven can’t fix.
