We’ve seen so many cartoons of tiny flames and cute little devils with pitchforks that it’s hard to fear damnation anymore. However, Satan may have upgraded since the Bible was written. Maybe Hell is more like this:
“Morning, folks, it’s Old Nick with today’s weather report. It’s a typical day for Perdition. Temperature 110 degrees, humidity 100 percent, precipitation 0 percent, air quality index 300. We’ll have high winds, and lava continues to destroy all vegetation. Satellite maps indicate no relief in sight.”
“This is Lucifer with the KHLL traffic report. We’ve got sinners backed up on the H-1 from the arrival gate through all the circles of Hell. Revving engines and burning rubber make air quality poor in Lust. We see widespread grease fires in Gluttony. All parking spaces in Greed are occupied, and gridlock prevents anyone from leaving. Every horn in Anger is blaring. Ignore road signs in Heresy; there is no access to higher elevations. Radios in Violence are all broadcasting gangsta rap at 200 decibels. Those in Fraud should remember that the AC doesn’t work here, and windows don’t roll down. Watch out for the oil slicks in Treachery. This is Lucifer, never signing off.”
“Hello, is this John Doe? Hi, John, this is Beelzeub with Everlasting Fire Company. How are you today, John? Miserable? That’s good to hear. Now John, have you ever thought about eternal life? No, of course you haven’t. If you had, you wouldn’t be hearing from me. Don’t try to hang up, John. You can’t disconnect this call. Now, John, let’s talk. What we at Everlasting Fire do for you, John, is continually remind you of all the opportunities you had to love God and your neighbor. We’ll ask you why you let them all pass by. Of course, your explanations won’t change anything, but we’ve got an infinite amount of time here, John. Wait, don’t say anything yet, John. First, it won’t do any good. Second, we will also spend several millennia reviewing every single sin you ever committed in detail. Interested, John? No? Too bad. Let’s begin.”
“This is a Gehenna Security Announcement. The current punishment level is Red. Sinners should stay in touch with their sins at all time. Do not attempt to pass your sins to other sinners. If you smoked in life, smoking now is prohibited. If you didn’t smoke then, you must begin now. The GSA reminds you that no liquids are permitted from this point onward. Please remove all pleasures and comforts and place them on the conveyor belts. All sinners will receive a full body scan and thorough pat down. Since your heart was locked in life, no exemptions are given for pacemakers (or any other disability). When you have completed your security scan here, join the end of the next security line. Keep in mind that you will be in these lines forever.”
“Thank you for choosing Hell as your final destination. Please listen carefully, even though our list of options has never changed. Press 1 if you wish to continue in English. Thank you for refusing salvation. If you are a new arrival, press 2. Thank you for sinning gravely against God and your neighbor. If you feel you have reached Hell in error, press 3. Thank you for being too proud to repent. If you wish to leave Hell, press 4. All demons are busy assisting other sinners. Hold for the next available demon. You may not leave a message. You may not hang up. Your estimated wait time is eternity.”
Scared now? Then all together, “I confess to Almighty God….”
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo 96720, or email: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
