I once consulted a cardiologist, who spent most of the visit scolding me about my weight. Years later, I returned. The nurse told the doctor, “Mrs. Choi has lost 50 pounds!” He studied the chart, frowned at me and said, “See you keep it off.” I thought to myself, “Oh wow, not even one attagirl?!”
My experience in the confessional couldn’t be more different. What I hear there is, “It’s great that you are aware of this behavior, that you want to change and that you believe this sacrament will give you both forgiveness and the grace to change. I think would help if you …” No scoldings, no warnings about Hell, just one Christian encouraging another.
We all need an attagirl or attaboy once in a while. We need to feel that we’re making some progress in life. Otherwise, we’d just give up. That’s the appeal of organizations like Weight Watchers. You’ve got a whole bunch of people rooting for you and applauding your successes. St. Paul told the Thessalonians that they, too, should, “Encourage one another, and build one another up.” The Letter to the Hebrews has a similar verse.
Some Christians find encouragement in keeping a journal. Looking back over time can be both comforting and inspiring when we see that we are losing our temper less often or are wasting less money. Prayer groups and prayer partners can help, as can less formal Christian conversations. It feels great to hear a friend say, “I’m so proud of you for apologizing to Frank. That must have been hard for you, but you did it anyway.”
I recognize, though, that there are also risks in tracking our spiritual efforts. First of all, it puts the focus on us instead of on God. Secondly, we may become proud of the sacrifices we make or the virtues we’ve acquired, as if God’s grace weren’t the source of any improvement. Finally, we might come to consider our prayers and acts of services as spiritual brownie points by which we are earning Heaven. We might forget that we will always stumble and we will always need a Savior.
On the one hand, I see the value of Christian encouragement. I’m grateful to receive it, and I hope I offer it generously. On the other hand, I’m not sure the idea of making progress really belongs in a relationship with God. The best way I find to think about God and me is to think about my happiest human relationships. I can’t imagine asking my husband each night if I was a better wife today than yesterday. How boring and tiring for him! If a buddy frequently asked me if she was improving as a friend, I think I’d suggest therapy. The Father sent Jesus so we would finally firmly believe that he loves us. Lovers don’t make charts or grade each other. We enjoy our loved ones just as they are.
We all need to find a balance between striving for goodness and trusting God’s mercy. The Rite of Reconciliation helps here. Usually, our penance is to slowly and carefully say some familiar prayers. That’s not because the priest has a table that lists how many prayers each sin should cost us. Rather, he knows that the best way to feel how thoroughly we have been forgiven and to confidently move forward is to spend some extra time with God. And, you know, he’s right. When I sit quietly and consider how loving God is and how much he has blessed me, I experience great peace. And that peace is better than a hundred attagirls any day.
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo 96720, or email: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
