“Abide in me, as I also abide in you. A branch cannot bear fruit unless it abides in the vine. Neither can you, unless you abide in me” (John 15:4).
This quote launched me on my journey toward the priesthood. I wanted my life to honor God and bear rich and abundant good fruit.
After 53 years as a priest, I know the Lord was with me every step of the way. However, on the emotional level, I never had the consolation of feeling his presence, the way you would if someone was holding your hand.
I trusted his promise; namely that, that together we would bear good fruit, but I never understood what bearing good fruit actually meant. Having used the media as best I could, I knew I was bringing God’s word to a vast audience, but I never really understood whether it was really spiritually fruitful. I could only hope that with God’s help, it was.
Why am I telling you this? Because this is the fifth draft of a difficult article, which began as an attempt to explain how God abides in us. I was writing a lot of theory but not owning up to how confusing it is on the personal level.
When all is said and done, I have to admit that over the years I longed to have a feeling of intimacy with God, but it never happened, except once perhaps when I was in the Army. One evening at prayer, I felt lifted out of my body. It moved me deeply, but it never happened again.
Otherwise, I’ve spent countless hours talking to God as though we were on opposite sides of a gigantic wall. I knew he was there but only by faith. Often the Holy Spirit would give me an idea for an entire column, but an idea is not God himself. I had to depend on faith-knowledge to know that God is love, but that was never enough.
I wanted to write this article to help you understand that once you invite God into your heart, he will always be there, abiding within you, but alas, it will not be as comforting as you might like.
I had to fight my doubts by falling back on the mental health principle: “Feelings are not facts.” Even if you feel alone, you are never alone. Even if you feel unworthy, God’s forgiveness makes you eminently worthy.
I would take Scripture quotes and repeat them over and over to reassure myself that my spiritual calling was true — an objective fact — and not merely a fantasy of my imagination.
I always knew what I wanted — to be close to God — which was a grace in itself, but I needed Scripture quotes to help me stay on track: “For where your treasure is there your heart will be also” (Mt 6:21). I knew my treasure was God himself. I knew I wasn’t a self-absorbed egotist, blind to God’s invitation. I accepted his invitation to abide in him as best I could. This empowered me to move away from self-absorption to a life of loving service.
Sept. 8, 2014, was my 83rd birthday, and looking back, I am happy to say that I know I made the right choice. Why is God silent? He has his reasons; he knows exactly what he is doing.
Albert Einstein put it this way, “God doesn’t play dice.” Woody Allen smirked in reply, “Yes, but he does play hide and seek.”
So be it.
