A Catholic wedding paints a beautiful picture of God’s grace, joining a man and a woman for a lifetime of faithful commitment, an image of the Lord’s unbreakable bond with his bride, the church.
Recent statistics have shown, however, that more and more Catholics are opting out of the sacrament. The decline of Catholic weddings around the world is nothing short of alarming. The Diocese of Honolulu is no exception.
It is difficult to pinpoint why Catholic marriage numbers are on the rocks. Local priests and lay people who work in marriage preparation note several factors that may be contributing to the trend. They include a rejection of the preparation time and cost of a Catholic wedding, a lack of understanding of what marriage truly is, and a growing disinterest in real marital commitment.
The statistics
According to a 2011 study published in Our Sunday Visitor, the number of Catholic marriages in the U.S. dropped almost 60 percent over the last three decades. In 1972, U.S. dioceses reported 415,487 Catholic weddings; in 2010, there were 168,400.
That means in 2010, there were only 2.6 marriages per 1,000 Catholics.
Catholic marriage rates in Hawaii haven’t fared much better. In the 1992 Official Catholic Directory, the Diocese of Honolulu reported 1,103 weddings in Hawaii. By 2012, the number was 454. In the last 20 years, church weddings in the Islands fell by about 60 percent.
The Catholic Directory shows that the decline in Hawaii’s Catholic marriages began at the turn of this century. From the 1940s to the 1990s, church weddings consistently averaged about 1,000. Since the year 2000, the number has barely risen above 800, save for a small spike in 2002.
According to Mary Duddy, moderator of the diocesan Tribunal, the marriage rates reported in the books include mixed faith marriages, the weddings of out-of-state visitors who want to get married in Hawaii, and the convalidations of couples already married in civil ceremonies.
The declining statistics are certainly felt in Island parishes, said Father Tom Gross, pastor of St. John Vianney Church in Kailua.
“The numbers do indeed reflect the reality of Catholic marriages,” said Father Gross. “Here at St. John Vianney, we had eight marriages in 2013. One was a convalidation. Four were weddings from the mainland. Three were from Hawaii.”
“The reason” for this downward trend, he said, “is hard to say for certain.”
Societal changes
Shifting societal attitudes toward marriage, Father Gross believes, have led to an overall decline in weddings in general. “People don’t feel the need to get married,” he said, as more couples instead have taken to cohabitation without the binding commitment of marital vows.
“I have to admit that I am really surprised when a couple comes to get married and they are not living together,” Father Gross said. “Often they have even bought a house together before even considering the wedding plans.”
Cohabitation that includes sexual relations before marriage is contrary to Catholic teaching. Father Gross said it is difficult to underscore to today’s couples the importance the church places on matrimony when other relational options are readily available.
“The biggest pastoral challenge is really trying to stick to what the church teaches in the midst of a world that really doesn’t believe it or accept it,” he said.
Father Dennis Koshko of Holy Trinity Church in Kuliouou said marriage is also being discussed less among families and children. With a rise in the rate of divorced and single parents, he said, many young men and women never grew up witnessing a long-lasting marriage.
“Couples have no role models,” Father Koshko said.
When interviewing men and women for matrimony, Father Koshko said it is an opportune time to embrace such misgivings about the sacrament. These discussions, he added, can help couples learn to develop a fruitful relationship through God and the church.
But a prevailing secular perception of marriage is difficult to overcome.
Bishop Larry Silva, in his recent response to the Vatican’s survey for its upcoming synod on the family, said “the secularization of society” and “an exaggerated sense of the individual” have been roadblocks to a true understanding of marriage.
“Couples often enter into marriage with the attitude that the experience must be fulfilling for them, rather than thinking of what they can give to the other person and their children,” he wrote in his December response to the questionnaire.
“Clergy and others encourage them to look beyond the wedding,” the bishop said, “and to reflect deeply on the meaning of marriage, its sacramental nature, commitment, children and the challenges they will face.”
Cost and preparation
The price and preparation requirements for a church wedding may be among the factors deterring couples. Geri Simbahon, who works with couples preparing for marriage at St. Joseph Church in Waipahu, said civil weddings offer financially strapped young people a quick, no-frills way to exchange their vows.
“It’s easier money-wise to go straight to the point,” she said.
Local parishes vary in the fees and donations “suggested” for weddings. Costs can range from $300 at a small neighborhood church like St. Anthony in Kalihi, to $2,000 at St. Augustine Church in Waikiki, a popular location for destination weddings.
Simbahon said some people are turned off as well by the expense of an Engaged Encounter retreat and other marriage prep programs mandated by the diocese. Couples have also complained to her about the time and instruction required by the diocese before a wedding.
Father Gross, however, is quick to dispel the notion that “the preparation process is long and complicated.”
“It really isn’t,” he said.
The diocese’s “Norms for the Preparation and Celebration of Marriage” note that a couple should contact their parish ideally one year before their intended wedding date. A minimum of six months is needed, the document states, for adequate sacramental preparation; exceptions to that time frame can be granted at a pastor’s discretion.
Several meetings are required between the couple and the priest or deacon who will celebrate the wedding rite. These meetings are intended to complete necessary canonical paperwork and other liturgical and logistical details, as well as to properly catechize the couple on the sacrament of matrimony.
Simbahon said the church requires such thorough marriage instruction so couples “know what they’re going through.”
“I think it’s a beautiful sacrament,” said Simbahon, who has been married to her husband Al for almost 44 years. “If the couple puts their heart into it … it’ll be a lifetime.”
Diocesan young adult ministry coordinator Makana Aiona said modern-day couples often want to “jump that first step” of faith formation before a wedding. However, Aiona said those fundamentals are necessary to developing not just dedicated husbands and wives, but also “people who are passionate about their relationship with God.”
Of the sacramental preparation time he and his wife Stephanie had before their wedding last month, Aiona said, “we kind of wanted to do more.”
Differing views
Two local Catholics who have had civil marriages represent the differing views on church weddings. One parishioner, a 35-year-old woman who asked to remain anonymous, said she opted for a ceremony outside the church because she and her husband “wanted to be in a setting where we ‘feel’ (God) the most and where we enjoy the most.”
She said she doesn’t plan to have her marriage convalidated, as she believes “our vows hold true for the rest of our lives, no matter where they were taken.”
Jewel Jose, 42, of St. Joseph Church in Waipahu wed her husband Eddie in a civil ceremony in 2009. It was the best thing for her family situation at the time, she said. Later, she told Eddie she wanted to participate in the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. That required them to have their marriage convalidated.
“I always wanted a church wedding,” Jewel Jose said. “It all just fell into place.”
She encourages people, even those who have fallen away from the church, to seek an understanding and appreciation of the beauty and significance of a Catholic wedding. God has become the “foundation” of their family since their marriage convalidation, she said, and “it was the most meaningful ceremony I’ve ever done.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Jose said.
