Since comedian Jeff Foxworthy first taught us how to recognize rednecks, several imitations have arisen, including “You Might be a Catholic.” Here are my contributions to that list. How many fit you?
- You own several rosaries including one for each car, one on the night stand and one that came in the mail with a request for donations.
- You know the papal titles of Angelo Roncalli, Albino Luciani and Giovanni Montini.
- You know a secret way to speed the sale of a house.
- When you go to a penance service, you know which priest to approach.
- You park in the stall closest to the road, even when the church parking lot is empty.
- You can hold your purse and a baby and still receive communion reverently.
- You know at least three ways to earn a partial indulgence and consider them your Plan B.
- You believe that any Mass that runs longer than 60 minutes should count double.
- Although you didn’t go to parochial school, you straighten up when you see a nun.
- You know several endings to, “A priest walks into a bar …”
- You can name at least three major items that St. Anthony helped you find.
- You know which of the following titles does not apply to Mary: Seat of Wisdom, Cause of our Joy, Tower of Power.
- You’re certain that a Saturday wedding fulfills your Sunday obligation.
- You occasionally ignore the collection plate, but you always pay for candles.
- You once swallowed a cup of holy water to cure a sore throat, and it worked.
- When your children get small scrapes and bruises, you tell them to “offer it up.”
- You firmly believe that communion wine should be red.
- When your spouse and children drive you nuts, you fantasize about becoming a religious.
- When your public school competes against a Catholic school, you root for both sides.
- You’ve got dry palm fronds on your wall.
- You keep a dollar in your pocket in case there’s a second collection.
- You know how to get wine stains out of linen.
- You go to church for communion. A good homily is gravy.
- The parish secretary recognizes your voice on the phone.
- You’ve published at least one St. Jude message.
- You wrote “JMJ” on the top of your tax return.
- If you think God will say no, you ask Mary.
- All your bookmarks are prayer cards.
- Your Bible is dusty, but your missal is well worn.
- No matter which Mass you attend, you see a familiar face.
- You know which saint is in charge of your occupation, your ethnic group and your current illness.
- One of your four names is Mary.
- The latest Mass revision has you mumbling, “And-with-also-with-um-your-spirit-and-you.”
- You’ve passed the Peace to the same people for years, but you don’t know their names.
- You won’t move into a new house until Father blesses it.
- You rely on Lent to help you lose weight.
- When a Catholic politician messes up, you’re ashamed.
- You’ve got your favorite seat in church, and nobody else better sit there.
- You figure God is too nice to hold you to the promises you make when you’re scared.
- You know her faults better than any non-believer, but you love your Church and can’t imagine life outside her. Hallelujah, you’re a Catholic!
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo, HI 96720, or email kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
