I have only a vague idea of what’s taught in seminary beyond theology and Scripture. How well are future priests prepared for real parish life? I believe the following exam could reveal any gaps in their education before it’s too late.
1. Many more people came to the parish picnic than signed up. Demonstrate your ability to turn water into fruit punch.
2. Several parishioners have requested a Latin Mass, so you schedule a special service. How many people will actually show up? How many will know the responses?
3. A religion teacher asks you to explain the Trinity to her third graders. Do you
a. Dig out your copy of Athanasius.
b. Look for a clover leaf.
c. Fire the teacher.
4. Which of the following activities may you properly pursue while waiting in the confessional for the next customer?
a. Pray.
b. Write your homily.
c. Do the puzzles in the Hawaii Catholic Herald.
5. Is it wrong to preach a homily you found on the internet? What if you had a really busy week?
6. For which of these activities is the pastor responsible?
a. Checking the roof for leaks.
b. Tossing out the trash left in the pews.
c. Mediating quarrels between lay ministers.
d. Chaperoning the parish school dance.
e. Selling raffle tickets.
f. All of the above.
7. How often will your phone ring on your day off? How important will these calls be?
8. Which is the most common reason that Catholics stop coming to church?
a. Theological doubts
b. Clergy scandal
c. Liturgists messing with the Mass again.
9. Name three useful sources of clean jokes.
10. The priests you asked to assist at the penance service never showed. Do you process all the penitents yourself or offer general absolution? How many parishioners will call the bishop to complain about your decision? Include those parishioners who were not actually present.
11. How soon after you preach a particularly good homily can you use it again? How many parishioners will notice it’s a rerun?
12. This Sunday, the teenagers will play the hymns on electric guitar, the deacon will chant the Kyrie and the little ones will perform an offertory of “Jesus Loves Me.” Where do you put the hula dancers?
13. Draw a seating chart for your parish’s Sunday services indicating which seats are reserved for which family. Include those who mostly stand in the back.
14. Demonstrate the correct way to chase a bird out of church before Mass. Note: You must be wearing both cassock and surplice.
15. The sanctuary needs new carpeting. To avoid conflict and hurt feelings, you should
a. Appoint a committee to choose the color.
b. Poll the congregation at all the Sunday Masses.
c. Look into becoming a monk.
16. An old friend is in town for the day. You meet for lunch. How soon will everyone in your parish know that you were seen with a woman? You may round off to the nearest nanosecond.
17. Demonstrate your ability to take a small serving from every dish at a potluck.
18. Many criminals were altar boys when they were young. Explain why their crimes are the priests’ fault.
19. Which, if any, of the following earns a partial indulgence?
a. Watching “The Passion of the Christ.”
b. Reading The DaVinci Code or its sequels.
c. Rooting for the St. Louis football team.
20. Recite an appropriate prayer for a sick kitty.
To all our present and future Fathers: May your days be long and fruitful. May your budget balance, your secretary stay healthy and your robes remain roomy. Pax.
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo, HI 96720, or e-mail: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
