Scripture tells us, over and over, that we are to forgive those who hurt us. Moreover, we are to forgive others the way God has forgiven us. His forgiveness is total and unconditional. So, we, too, are to forgive and forget. That second action is the real toughie.
Time helps with some trespasses. We seldom think about that tyrannical teacher or the bully who made recess a misery. Over the years, we’ve grown philosophical about childhood injuries and teenage betrayals. With these sins, it’s more a matter of forgetting and then forgiving. It was long ago, and they can’t do anything to us now.
That’s what makes more recent trespasses harder to forgive. They might happen again. We remain married to the man who gambled away his pay check. We remain in the same office with the colleague who took credit for our work. We are still parents to the child who has been lying to us. We fear that if we forgive and forget an injury, the one who hurt us will feel free to hurt us again.
I hear that fear in Peter’s questioning Jesus in Matthew 18:21, “Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Seven times?” I suspect that wasn’t all Peter said. I imagine he gave Jesus a long account of exactly what the brother did and how hard it was on Peter. I’m sure Peter was rather proud of forgiving the injury. He wanted assurance, though, that this state of affairs would not go on indefinitely.
If I’m right, Peter must have been sadly disappointed when Jesus answered, “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.” That seems an impossible standard. What about the abusive parent, the unfaithful spouse or the child who stole to support his drug habit? Do they get 490 chances?
I don’t think Jesus meant that Christians should be doormats. We’re not called upon to remain in a home that’s unsafe or to subsidize addiction. In such extreme situations, we’ll need wise counsel about how to protect ourselves and yet remain loving. After a string of broken promises to reform, we may have to end all contact with that person. Then our love will express itself in sincere prayers for the one we can no longer trust.
For most of us, though, the sins we’re trying to forgive aren’t as terrible. Yet this isn’t the way a loved one should treat us. Why do they do things they know will hurt us?
The answer is sadly simple — they’re sinners. And we should forgive them because we’re sinners too. If we’re honest, it won’t take long to recall a few of our sins that hurt someone just as badly as we are hurting now. Yet we trust that God has forgiven us. Moreover, we expect that after we’ve apologized and made whatever amends we can, that the other person will also forgive us. And forget. In fact, we get a little miffed if they keep harping on the past. They really need to let it go and move on.
Yet, isn’t that what they’re asking of us right now? Accept the apology, file the incident under Finished Business and start over?
It’s not easy, of course, but there are actions we can take right now. We can refuse to revisit the injury in our mind. We can remind ourselves that this is a new day for everyone. First, last and always, we can ask God for help. The same Scripture that urges us to forgive assures us that God’s grace is sufficient for all our needs, even the need to forget.
Kathleen welcomes comments. Send them to Kathleen Choi, 1706 Waianuenue Ave., Hilo, HI 96720, or e-mail: kathchoi@hawaii.rr.com.
